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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174255">Can't Let Go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/VenomousAngel75/pseuds/VenomousAngel75'>VenomousAngel75</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Rook (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:29:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,340</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174255</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/VenomousAngel75/pseuds/VenomousAngel75</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gestalt confronts Myfanwy about seeing Bristol and she can't keep lying to them anymore. She doesn't know what her former self was thinking, but if she had felt anything like how she feels now about Gestalt, it's impossible to imagine walking away. She just hopes she gets the chance to explain before it's too late.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gestalt (The Rook) / Myfanwy Thomas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Confessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">She feels like the world is tilting around her, slipping out from under her feet and sending her into a free fall. Teddy’s standing so close she can feel the heat of their body all along her front, sense the electricity moving between them, through them. Soon it’s all she can feel as their words echo in her head.</p><p class="p1">“Except that you fucked me to fuck with me…to get me out of the way.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy can’t hear anything but those words, barely registers when they step back. They’re still talking. She can see the anger and heartbreak in their eyes, but it’s like she’s frozen. She wants Gestalt; she knows that much. Every moment of comfort and safety, of normalcy she’s felt has been in their presence. She wants to tell them so bad. The words are ready and she needs to force the sounds out of her mouth. She can barely move her lips as Teddy shakes their head and stalks away.</p><p class="p1">“Teddy,” she calls, or tries to but her voice comes out as barely a rasp.</p><p class="p1">She stumbles back against the wall of the bridge, rough stone scraping her hands when she tries to find purchase to hold herself upright. The prickling along her skin becomes painful and she can’t seems to take a full breath. Her vision flickers in and out. She thinks she sees him reaching for her and tries to lift her arm to reach back. She collapses instead. The last thing she sees is his back in the distance.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Myfanwy wakes sometime later to an older woman crouched in front of her, shaking her shoulder. She blinks rapidly and looks around. The sun has set and the lamps are starting to flicker on. She’s cold and her head aches something fierce, but those seem to be her biggest problems at the moment.</p><p class="p1">“Miss? Can you hear me?” The woman says. “Dear, are you all right? It looks like you’ve hit your head. Oh, Harold, call an ambulance.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy sits up quickly at hearing that, groaning as her head spins. “No, please. I’m all right.”</p><p class="p1">The woman huffs and starts to protest, “You look terrible. Please let us call for you,” but Myfanwy shakes her head.</p><p class="p1">“No, thank you. It happens sometimes, vertigo you see,” she lies, trying to paste a sheepish smile on her face. “It catches me by surprise every so often. I haven’t been out long.”</p><p class="p1">Harold doesn’t look like he believes her, but it’s clear he’s not exactly opposed to herding his wife away. “She’s fine, Lucy. She doesn’t want the help.”</p><p class="p1">Lucy looks like she’s going to protest more, but backs off as Myfanwy pushes herself to her feet and dodges the hand Lucy tries to place on her shoulder.</p><p class="p1">“Really, I’m all right,” she insists. “I appreciate your concern, but I’d best go lie down before it comes on again while I’m out.” It truly is a terrible excuse, but she walks away quickly before they can ask her any more questions. She hadn’t brought her phone, just her keys, so she’s sure Monica is wondering where the hell she is.</p><p class="p1">She’s nearly at her building when the adrenaline wears off a bit and her head really starts pounding. She puts a hand to the center of the pain and gasps a little when her nerves light up. Glancing at her fingers, Myfanwy grimaces at the sight of blood. It’s not a lot, but she clearly cracked her head when she went down. Along with the ring around her middle, she feels like one giant walking bruise.</p><p class="p1">She makes it up to her flat without drawing undue attention and stomps in as loud as she dares. All she wants is a large glass of wine, a scalding hot shower and to pass out in the panic room</p><p class="p1">“Jesus, you look like shit. Did Gestalt do that?” Monica is standing in the kitchen pulling a glass from the cabinet. Without waiting for a response, she grabs another one and a bottle of whiskey she must have found somewhere else.</p><p class="p1">Myfawny rolls her eyes and regrets it. “We might be having some disagreements at the moment, but it’s not really their style.”</p><p class="p1">Monica looks skeptical. “Yeah? Then where in hell have you been? We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy frowns as she peers at her face in the mirror next to her entryway. Fortunately, she just scraped her forehead a bit, but it bled a fair amount for a scrape and she’s got a small trail running down the side of her face. No wonder that woman had wanted to call an ambulance. “I didn’t eat much today. I think it caught up to me and I took a bit of an unexpected nap.” She can’t think about Gestalt right now.</p><p class="p1">“Catch the floor with your face?” Monica’s mouth twists in a wry grin. “I’ve done that a time or two.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy offers a small smile in return, but it fades as she thinks about Gestalt’s retreating back. “Something like that.” She shakes her head and heads for the bedroom. “I’m going to clean up a little. Be back in a bit.”</p><p class="p1">She slips into the bedroom, taking care to avoid disturbing Nasim, and grabs some clothes to change into before heading into her bathroom to clean up.</p><p class="p1">Much later, she’s curled up in the small cot in the panic room turning her phone over in her hands. Despite the risks she’s going to be taking tomorrow, Myfanwy can’t help but remember the look on Teddy’s face as they stared down at her having decided that she only slept with them to throw them off. She doesn’t know much about the woman that used to inhabit her body, but she can’t imagine that scenario in any form. Not if the way she currently feels is any indicator.</p><p class="p1">She wants nothing more than to wipe that look from their face and it’s that thought which has her pulling up Teddy’s number. Her heart seizes in her chest as she presses the Call icon, but it’s ringing and she can’t back out now. Somehow, she thinks that might be even worse than the conversation she might be having in a moment.</p><p class="p1">The call goes directly to voicemail within 2 rings. “This is Gestalt. Leave a message,” they say through Teddy. They clearly don’t want to talk to her.</p><p class="p1">Her heartbeat speeds up at the standard instructions and, at the beep, “Um, hi, Gestalt. I - I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Or, I think I am? I don’t really know anymore, if I ever did. These last few days have been strange to say the least, but not for the reason you probably think. I wish I could tell you everything, but -,” she sighs. “But, I barely know what’s going on myself. This conversation isn’t really great for a message, but I had to tell you that even though I don’t know what I was thinking or exactly what happened between us, there’s no version of me that-“</p><p class="p1">The phone beeps and the call disconnects. Myfanwy lets out a sound somewhere between a groan and a whimper and throws the phone to the foot of the bed. It’s all such a tangled mess that she can hardly breathe. “There’s no version of me that doesn’t want you by my side every second of every day,” she finishes, trying to figure out how she would have ended that sentence.</p><p class="p1">She sits up abruptly and turns her gaze to the photos on the wall. Maybe it’s stupid - they’re all essentially spies for fuck’s sake - but she feels like she can trust Gestalt. They wouldn’t have left her to figure it all out on her own or been so confused about the state of their relationship if they had been responsible for her memory loss.</p><p class="p1">Her eyes wander over each photo of them, tracing each of their features and looking for the quirks of the mind in each. It’s difficult with still photos, but the slight curl at the corner of their mouths and the way they all look up at the camera is identical. Even on Teddy. Especially on Alex. It makes her feel warm.</p><p class="p1">The photos above catch her gaze after a moment. Linda, Grantchester, Claudia and Ingrid all stare forward without revealing the secrets they keep. Myfanwy wonders what tipped herself off to one of them. Considering what she knows of her former self, she can’t think of why any one of them would want to wipe her memories. Did they mean to kill her? Was she really supposed to go into hiding? Would it have been better for everyone if she had just taken that second option and gone? What was wrong with her former self that warranted all this effort to erase her?</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy thinks back to Bristol and scoffs. Seems as though there was plenty wrong with her. She doesn’t blame her former, younger self for falling under the spell. She doesn’t even blame her current self, stumbling around like an idiot elephant and crashing into anything that might give her a clue about herself. She blames Bristol, though. He knew all about their history, all about her trauma, and still made that choice to take her into his bed again instead of explaining it all before anything untoward occurred.</p><p class="p1">Tears spring to her eyes and she tries to blink them away. Now is not the time to be getting caught up in the regrets of her abominably short life, but she can’t seem to make them stop. The grief she feels is overwhelming, swirling about her and threatening to choke her with everything she’s lost.</p><p class="p1">A faint buzzing sound draws her from her thoughts. Her phone! Myfanwy grabs for it among the blankets and smashes the icons to answer without even looking at the caller. “Yes? Hello…yes?” She gasps, hoping desperately that Gestalt is on the other end of the line. “Gestalt?”</p><p class="p1">“Myfanwy?” Eliza says on the other end.</p><p class="p1">At the sound of her name on their lips, tears burst from Myfanwy again and it’s all she can do to keep her voice mostly steady. “Yes, I’m here.” She takes a breath, but her next words emerge on a sob, “I’m so glad you called.”</p><p class="p1">“Are you crying? What happened?” Eliza demands. “Are you all right? Your message was…are you all right?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy shakes her head and belatedly realizes Gestalt can’t see her. “No, I don’t think I am.”</p><p class="p1">Eliza sucks in a breath and there’s a flurry of sound from their end. “Where are you? At home? I’m coming over.”</p><p class="p1">She should tell them to stay put, considering the fugitive currently asleep in her bed, but Myfanwy can’t bring herself to deny this comfort.</p><p class="p1">“Myfanwy!” Eliza shouts.</p><p class="p1">“What?”</p><p class="p1">“Are you in danger?” They sound frantic.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy sighs, “No, not at the moment. I am at home. Monica’s here, too, but she’s asleep.” She scrubs a hand across her face to get rid of her tears.</p><p class="p1">Eliza snarls, “What the hell is Monica doing there?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy thinks the warm feeling spreading through her at their protectiveness is probably not great, but she can’t help wanting to hold onto it. She’s been cold for as long as she can remember. All 4 days. “We had a bit of a girls day that turned into an evening and I offered up my couch.”</p><p class="p1">“Kick her out.”</p><p class="p1">“I can’t do that right now,” Myfanwy says. It’s all such a mess, but she promised Nasim that she’d keep him safe. “I really don’t want to be here when I tell you what I have to tell you.” The tears creep up again. She doesn’t want to ruin their memories of whatever good times they’ve had in this place with her former self.</p><p class="p1">Eliza’s voice abruptly shifts and her tone is even a she speaks, “All right. It’s okay. Meet me downstairs. We can go somewhere and talk.” This is why she’s the negotiator of Gestalt.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy pulls on a sweater. “You’re here?”</p><p class="p1">“Just waiting for you, now.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy pens a quick note to Monica and Nasim, then slips out of the panic room to leave it on the kitchen counter. She grabs her keys and shoves her feet into the first set of shoes she finds in the closet. In less than a moment, her front door is locked and she’s finger combing her hair in the elevator down to the lobby in an attempt to look halfway decent.</p><p class="p1">She regrets not grabbing a coat when she steps out onto the sidewalk and a blast of wind whips through her clothes as if she wasn’t wearing anything. She wraps her arms around herself and shivers, looking for Gestalt’s car.The cold at her back suddenly disappears and she whips around, raising her arms in defense.</p><p class="p1">Robert’s standing there looking mildly surprised as they catch her wrists in a firm but gentle grip. The heat of their hands feels like a brand on her chilled skin. Their eyes rove over her face, taking in her puffy eyes and blotchy complexion. They drop one wrist in favor of pressing careful fingertips just above her right eye. “When did this happen?” Their voice is more tender than she’s heard since the first time she met them.</p><p class="p1">It takes her a second to find her voice. “This afternoon. It’s nothing.” She shakes her head and looks down. It’s easier than meeting their gaze. She might break if she does that and she at least wants to be out of the cold when it happens.</p><p class="p1">“Come on then,” Robert says, letting go of her other hand in favor of placing theirs at her lower back to guide her to the car idling a little ways up the block. They reach it quickly and Robert opens the back door for her to slip inside before sliding in next to her.</p><p class="p1">She’s surprised to see all of Gestalt there, Teddy driving with Alex in the front seat and Eliza staring at her expectantly from the side on which she hadn’t entered the car. “Brought everyone, did you?”</p><p class="p1">Eliza shrugs and Alex answers, “More bodies, yeah?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy glances at Alex, then flinches a little when she looks over to Teddy, dropping her eyes quickly. Eliza takes her hand and that’s all it takes to break her. Tears start pouring down her face and her breath comes in great gasping sobs. She crumples forward clutching Eliza’s hand to her chest, but Robert catches her and guides her to bury her face in their shoulder. She clings to the lapel of Robert’s coat with her other hand. Their fingers start carding through her hair as she purges the fear and confusion of the only 4 days she can remember.</p><p class="p1">It could be minutes or hours by the time she cries herself out and her sobs subside to quiet panting while she trembles between Gestalt’s bodies. It’s longer still until she feels brave enough to push herself upright and try to put her face to rights. Robert pulls a handkerchief from their pocket and gently cups her face so that they can wipe it across her cheeks.</p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry,” she rasped, voice worse for the wear. “I must look a fright.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Alex said.</p><p class="p1">She looks up to see the soft, worried look in their eyes and it settles her in a way she hadn’t felt since waking up on the bridge. She shakes her head shyly and takes the handkerchief from Robert to wipe at her nose. “I’m not sure you’ll feel that way once I’ve told you what I know.”</p><p class="p1">Eliza squeezes her hand lightly.</p><p class="p1">“I did go to see Bristol today.” She flinches at Teddy’s curse. “I went to see him because I wasn’t sure what had happened to me or why. I went to see him because I didn’t know who to trust and asking for answers at the Checquy might have put me in even more danger because all signs pointed to someone there trying to erase me. I didn’t- I just didn’t know.” She has to take a moment to breathe.</p><p class="p1">“Saturday night, I woke up on the bank of the Millennium Bridge in the rain, surrounded by bodies, with no memory of who or what I am. You were right that this week has been hell. I don’t know what I like to eat or if I have a favorite movie. I don’t know why I can remember the PM, but I had no idea what I looked like until I found a mirror. I can’t remember my parents’ faces or if I even knew them or who my first kiss was or if I can swim. I don’t know what I must have done to make someone hate me so much that they -“ She breaks off and buries her face in her hands. “They might as well have killed me because I don’t know any other way this can end.”</p><p class="p1">Eliza grabs her shoulder. “Don’t you dare say that.”</p><p class="p1">“I will never let that happen,” Robert promises.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy huffs a laugh. “You can’t say that. I’ve just told you that the woman you seem to care for is gone. I’m not her. I don’t deserve whatever loyalty or affection you feel for her, no matter how much I want it. All I’ve done is hurt you and I don’t know how to stop.”</p><p class="p1">“You still feel like her,” Teddy says quietly. “The night before, Friday night, was our Founder’s Feast.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s an annual party to celebrate the establishment of the Checquy,” Robert supplies.</p><p class="p1">Teddy continues, “You came wearing this incredible dress; it was all I could do to keep a handle on myselves. Something was different, but I couldn’t put my fingers on it. I managed to get you alone on your way out. I couldn’t help it anymore and I told you that you looked fucking amazing. You looked up at me with this smile and I had to taste it.”</p><p class="p1">“Fifteen fucking years, I’d wanted you,” Eliza breathes.</p><p class="p1">Robert sighs, “Then you pushed me away and ran. I thought that was it, that I’d just destroyed everything between us, but then you came into the coatroom. I was in there getting my coats, too, and you looked at me again. I could see you decide. I’ve never felt anything the way I feel you. It’s like you touch all of me at the same time and that night…”</p><p class="p1">“I’d always thought we had something between us and you were just too afraid of yourself to let it happen. There wasn’t anyone else, not since Bristol,” Alex admits, “so I never knew if it was that, or if it was just me. Still, I’d rather you a friend than nothing at all. That night, I thought maybe you were ready for-”</p><p class="p1">“Us,” Gestalt says.</p><p class="p1">Eliza shakes their head. “Then you weren’t answering your phone and you seemed so upset Monday. I thought it was just that I had messed up. I couldn’t understand why you’d be so cold, acting like I scared you. I had been so excited. But knowing what I know now…”</p><p class="p1">“It was goodbye,” Myfanwy finishes. She bites her lip, mind racing. How cruel was this world that she couldn’t remember their touch.</p><p class="p1">“Yet, you feel the same,” Eliza murmurs, wrapping their other hand around their joined hands. “And it still feels like you’re touching all of me. You talk the same and move the same and tease the same. You’re not afraid of me.”</p><p class="p1">“You weren’t afraid of me,” Teddy huffs.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy puts her hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of what I’ve done to you.” She frowns and hangs her head. “I feel like an imposter and you feel…familiar. I have no idea who you or any other person I’ve met is, including myself. I, she wrote letters to me trying to explain. One of them said that she found out it was someone at the Checquy. She didn’t say who or even narrow it down, but once I had a chance to hear the story from Farrier and get used to you, I’ve always felt better when you’re near.”</p><p class="p1">“Farrier knew?” Teddy says.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy nods. “She showed up first thing on Monday and tried to get me to come in with her. I hadn’t quite yet decided if I was going to stay or go.” She lets go of Teddy to pull Alex’s hand away from their mouth. “Bad habit. She gave me a brief history of my job and told me not to trust anyone. That I was a bureaucrat and just had to keep my mouth shut for a few days.”</p><p class="p1">Robert strokes her cheek as Alex flips their hands so they’re holding on to each other. She closes her eyes to soak in the feeling of them, uncertain how long this easy affection is going to last. All at once, she’s hit with profound yearning, as if she hasn’t been properly touched in years and Gestalt’s hands on her skin are the only way to make up for all that lost time. Electricity sizzles across her skin and onto theirs and she can feel all of them, separately and together. It’s the most incredible thing she’s ever felt.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt gasps in stereo and says, “Fucking hell.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” she whimpers, tears threatening again as she tries to tug her hands away. “I didn’t mean to.”</p><p class="p1">Eliza catches her hand again. “It’s all right. You just did what you always do; you touched all of me. It’s a lot to feel is all.” They cup Myfanwy’s cheek and tilt her head up to look at Eliza. Their eyes rove over her face. “No one else can do that to me."</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t hurt you?” Myfanwy glances at each of them in turn for reassurance, flutters starting in her stomach as she notices the same warm regard in every face.</p><p class="p1">“How did you scrape your head?” Alex asks suddenly, bright eyes unwavering on her face.</p><p class="p1">She looks at her knees. “It’s nothing. I just tripped, like an idiot.”</p><p class="p1">Teddy tsks, “You’re a terrible liar. No one came after you?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy shakes her head. “Nothing like that. I just passed out, must have hit my head coming down.”</p><p class="p1">Robert takes hold of her this time, lifting her face so that they can examine her further, their eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed in consternation. “Did you see someone? Make sure you don’t have a concussion?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sure I wasn’t out for long.” Her eyes flick to Teddy for the briefest second. They could be carved of stone. “A woman made sure I was all right. I couldn’t have been alone for more than a few minutes.”</p><p class="p1">“Alone,” Eliza and Alex echo.</p><p class="p1">She nods. “I’m fine.”</p><p class="p1">Teddy curses and strikes the steering wheel. “In public? Where anyone could have gotten to you?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy can’t stand the look in their eyes. “Gestalt, I’m fine. No one was after me. I just got overwhelmed and fell.”</p><p class="p1">“What if it happens again?” Alex demands. “How can I protect you if -“ They fall silent as her hand spasms around Eliza’s.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy hardly dares hope. She expected this conversation to go in quite a different way. “You would still protect me?”</p><p class="p1">Gestalt levels a flat look at her. “Even if you don’t remember me, you’re still the only one who’s ever really seen me. Hell, you picked up on me within hours of meeting this week. No one ever does that,” Eliza says. “Maybe everything we’ve shared before is gone, and that hurts, not knowing what could have been, but we have the chance to start new. I can’t think of anything I want more than to walk this path with you to find out who you are without the pain that’s marked you since before we met.”</p><p class="p1">“I loved who you were for fifteen years. I doubt it will be difficult to love the new you as well,” Robert murmurs against her ear. “If you give me the chance."</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy shudders and a small groan escapes her as she turns into Robert. Their skin is hot against hers and they smell like expensive detergent and woodsmoke. She longs to press her lips to their pulse to see if they taste the same. Then she remembers why they’re having this conversation in Gestalt’s car rather than her apartment and pulls back with difficulty. “Maybe don’t say that until you’ve heard everything.”</p><p class="p1">Teddy curses again. “What more is there?” Their knuckles are white on the steering wheel.</p><p class="p1">“I know who wiped my memory,” Myfanwy confesses. She rushed on to stall their protests, “Not who ordered it, but the boy with the EVA. He said that he was brought here to wipe my memory and, in exchange, he’d be allowed a place in New Glengrove where he could learn about and develop his EVA. Apparently, Marcus and another woman smuggled him into the country. This other woman is the one who wants me.”</p><p class="p1">“How do you know all this?” Alex narrows his eyes. Their thumb is back in their mouth.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy shrugs again. “He found me, remembered me from the other day and didn’t know where else to go. Figured that since this woman said I was all right that I would help him.”</p><p class="p1">“Where is he now?”</p><p class="p1">She shakes her head. “I can’t tell you. He’s my only link to this woman and I promised him I’d do everything I could to keep him safe if he helped me.” She braces herself for anger and disappointment.</p><p class="p1">Teddy scoffs. “What the hell? We’ve been looking for him for days and now you know where he is and you won’t tell us?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy pulls her hands in to wrap her arms around herself. “I can’t. Not yet. Not until I know why I was targeted. Why someone erased me!” Her skin feels hot again, prickly and the dome light flickers. She squeezes her eyes shut and curls in, trying to keep her breathing even, to calm the sparks traveling under her skin. She’s not drifting away from herself this time and she’s starting to fear that she’ll hurt the one person (persons) who makes her feel safe.</p><p class="p1">At least she doesn’t black out this time, but she still isn’t entirely aware of what’s happening beyond the borders of her skin. Long moments pass before the buzzing recedes and she can take a full breath. Everything around her feels fuzzy, like she’s moving through syrup. She takes a couple more before daring to unfold a little. Her face is wet, but she doesn’t know when she started crying. She wonders if the tears will ever end. It takes a couple of tries for her to speak. She’s too afraid to look at anything but her knees. “C-can,” her voice breaks and her throat hurts. “Can you let me out, please?”</p><p class="p1">“You shouldn’t be alone,” Robert says quietly. Their fingers start to pick at hers where they’re clenched around her arms in a grip that’s probably going to bruise. She flinches at the first touch, but Gestalt is insistent and soon both of Robert’s hands envelop hers. </p><p class="p1">“Come home with us,” Eliza and Alex plead. <em>So I can keep an eye on you</em>, is unspoken.</p><p class="p1">Eliza continues alone, “I can’t bear to let you go right now.” Their voice is thick and wet.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy looks up to see tears streaming down Eliza’s face, too. She sees Teddy staring down at their own lap, breathing hard. Alex has their eyes trained on her face and the heartbreak she sees in them cracks something deep inside her. Tremors start moving through her and soon her teeth are chattering.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt plasters Eliza against her, forcing her to press into Robert, making a cocoon of the two of them for her.</p><p class="p1">“Please,” Teddy whispers.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy nods. “Okay."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Clarifications</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Relief floods through Gestalt as they start the car and head home with Myfanwy wrapped in their arms. The last few days feel completely unreal. From flying high as she wrapped herself around them at the Founder’s Feast to plummeting into Hell as they realized the woman who’d done that was gone. But she can’t be gone. She’s sitting between Robert and Eliza trembling, somehow the same and completely different.</p><p class="p1">They watch her as she takes comfort in their embrace, Alex staring openly, twisted around in the front seat while Teddy glances as often as they dare. They shut Robert’s and Eliza’s eyes tightly, focusing instead on the heat of her body, the softness of her skin and the mingled scents of rose and ozone that always seem to cling to her hair. Her fingers are cold so they slide one of Eliza’s hands down to chafe against the chilled skin.</p><p class="p1">It strikes them that she’s reverted to how she was the first time they met at Glengrove House. Wary, unsure ofher place, but confident with a little bit of validation that she’s heading in the right direction. She doesn’t flinch at every mildly aggressive gesture in her general direction and actually rises to meet the challenges.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt drives home on autopilot. They’ve made this journey thousands of times and it’s never felt so foreign. The drive isn’t long, but Myfanwy is asleep before they turn off her street. They are soaking up every second of contact they can, memorizing the feel of her close just in case it blows up in their face again. When they pull into their parking space, Eliza carefully removes their hand. Alex opens the door for Robert and helps guide Myfanwy’s sleeping body into a secure carry. Gestalt moves Teddy to take point on the way up to the flat, shifting Eliza and Alex to flank Robert to ensure she’s surrounded. It doesn’t matter that it’s just an elevator ride. They can’t take the chance. Not when they’ve already lost her once.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy feels so light in their arms and they clutch her a little tighter. She’s always been slight, but she feels like she’s lost weight since their tryst. Granted, the alcohol might have impaired their ability to lift her that night, but they doubt it could make this big of a difference. Plus, Robert had been the sober one. They wonder if memories can carry physical weight.</p><p class="p1">She murmurs a little when they reach their floor, curling closer to Robert as the elevator doors slide open. Gestalt pauses, but she doesn’t wake. They flank her again as they move down the hallway and into their apartment.</p><p class="p1">There’s a moment of hesitation as they run through the options of what to do with her, but it’s the middle of the night and all Gestalt wants to do is rest. They can’t handle any more revelations. With that in mind, or not, they move into the bedroom, shedding clothes as they go until all but Robert are down to a single layer.They lay Myfanwy down in the middle of their bed and she rolls into Teddy automatically. Eliza snugs up against her back again, winding arms about her waist.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt double checks the apartment locks with Alex as Robert undresses before sliding in on the outer edges. It’s rare for the bodies to touch in their sleep, but Gestalt wants all available contact with Myfanwy. They bury Teddy’s nose in Myfanwy’s hair and press Eliza’s lips to the top of her spine. Robert reaches over to curl their palm over her hip and Alex cups her elbow where it rests on Teddy’s abdomen.</p><p class="p1">No one will ever take her again, Gestalt vows as their eyes drift shut.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The sun is well over the horizon when Myfanwy stirs in their arms. They’ve shifted around in the night so that Myfanwy’s on her back with Eliza curled up on her shoulder. Teddy’s facing away from her, but one foot is tucked under her calf. Robert and Alex awoke earlier to see to some work and make sure that their flat was clean, though really they just couldn’t stand to have all of them lie still and wait for her to wake. To think about all the ways she could react badly.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt walks Robert to the bedroom door to peek in when they feel her movements become more deliberate, tiny stretches and shifts, since they don’t want to disturb her by moving Eliza or Teddy to look at her. Suddenly, her body locks up completely and, for one awful moment Gestalt thinks she’s going to blow the building’s power, but all at once she relaxes and settles back around Eliza.</p><p class="p1">Shared sensation makes all of them shudder as she reaches down to fold her fingers around Eliza’s where they rest on her waist and pulls their hands up to rest on her sternum. </p><p class="p1">Myfanwy’s eyes flutter open and her mouth curves up as she presses more fully against Teddy. But just as quickly, her face falls and she squirms out from underneath Eliza to sit up. Teddy throws a hand back to catch her shirt hem to stall her attempts to get off the bed.</p><p class="p1">“Stop, I’ve got to go,” she hums, still scooting her lower half down to crawl off the foot. “I have to meet Monica.”</p><p class="p1">Gestalt clenches Teddy’s hand tight in her shirt and Robert moves forward to catch her hips. They sit Eliza up, too, to search her face, staring in horror at the dark bruise ringing her waist just above the band of her pants.</p><p class="p1">Any other time there would be something else on their mind in this position, but now all they can see is evidence that they failed to protect her yet again.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy bucks a little. “What are you - oh,” she says when Robert presses a thumb to the bruise and she winces. “I think it looks much worse than it feels. Just a bit tender.”</p><p class="p1">“It looks like someone tried to crush you round the middle,” Eliza huffs, warm hands carefully pulling the shirt from Teddy’s grip and folding it up enough to preserve her modesty and see the extent of the damage. Robert tugs the waistband of her pants down a bit and runs their fingers along the lower border.</p><p class="p1">She shrugs and tucks her feet under, realizing that she’s not going anywhere until they’ve had a chance to see the extent of the damage. “I don’t know how it happened. I woke up on the bridge in the rain, surrounded by those men and I just ran. Nasim said I shocked him when he started using his ability on me and Marcus was the one who went after me.” She whines a little when they press on her ribs, but it’s uncomfortable at most.</p><p class="p1">“Doesn’t look like anything’s broken,” Teddy tells her as they clench Alex’s fists in the other room. Her skin is soft under their hands.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy shrugs and pulls away from them, resettling her shirt to cover her abdomen as she climbs off the bed. “Really, I’m fine. Can you give me a ride? I left everything at home.” She scrubs her hands over her face and rakes them through her hair before looking around a little. “The loo?”</p><p class="p1">All at once it hits Gestalt again that she’s not the Myfanwy that they know. She’d been to their place a million times. Robert steps back and gestures to the en-suite to their right. She gives them a little quirk of her lips and heads in, closing the door behind her. All of their faces fall and hands drop to their sides. They let out a sigh that’s more like a sob, then shake themselves. Nothing to do about it now.</p><p class="p1">They scoot Eliza and Teddy off the bed and start getting them dressed, Eliza in comfortable clothes and Teddy in his usual suit. Myfanwy slips out of the bathroom as they’re doing up Teddy’s collar.</p><p class="p1">“You don’t waste time, do you?” she smirks and they have to ignore the swoop in their stomachs.</p><p class="p1">Robert moves out of her way as she steps into the main room. “You seemed in a hurry.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy opens her mouth and then snaps it shut after a few seconds and nods. “Yes, I need to get home. Put some clothes on.” She glances down at her sleep clothes and wrinkles her nose. It’s a very Myfanwy gesture.</p><p class="p1">Alex stands up and goes to the door, pulling down Eliza’s long coat from the other day and holding it out for Myfanwy to put on. “Wear this at least.” They have absolutely no intention of letting her meet Monica alone, but she doesn’t know that yet.</p><p class="p1">She smiles gratefully and slips her arms into the sleeves. “Thank you.”</p><p class="p1">They close around her again as they all leave the flat, a living wall between the world outside and her. She looks like she’s going to protest for a minute, but doesn’t say anything in the end.</p><p class="p1">It’s a quick trip to the garage and they press her into the front seat of the Range Rover, Eliza sliding into the driver’s seat.</p><p class="p1">“You’re not all coming?” she questions as Teddy closes her door.</p><p class="p1">Eliza shakes their head. “Got to check in early today.” They flex their fingers on the steering wheel. “You have to tell me where he is, Myfanwy. I can’t protect you if you don’t tell me everything.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy bites her lip and shakes her head. “I can’t. This is my only chance.”</p><p class="p1">“Then let me come with you,” they beg, putting all of Eliza’s sympathy-generating tactics to work. It’s not an accident that they’re letting this body take point. Eliza tends to get the best results from those vulnerable to sweetness. Teddy’s best for force. They don’t want to go there with her. With this new chance, they’ll do everything they can to show her how much she means to them.</p><p class="p1">They pull up to her building. It’s tearing them apart just thinking about her getting out of the car to do God knows what. They take her hand as she shakes her head.</p><p class="p1">“You can’t. I <em>have</em> to do this. I have to know who did this to me,” she pleads. Her eyes are huge in her face and they can see the tears start to well up. “A-a-and, I have one more thing to tell you. I should have last night, before everything else. Well, before you took me to yours because I can’t imagine that you’ll want to see me after.”</p><p class="p1">Eliza wipes away the tears that spill down her face. “Whatever it is-“ they start, but she cuts them off.</p><p class="p1">“No, you should know. I slept with him. With Bristol,” she rushes out and the world tilts on its axis yet again.</p><p class="p1">“What?” Their voice is flat as white-hot rage flares through them. She’s been a brand new person for 4 days and the bastard still managed to touch her. It’s a close thing, but they manage not to crash a car for the second time in 3 days. How could she? They warned her. It takes everything they have to pull the rage from Eliza.</p><p class="p1">She flinches and pulls from their grip. “I saw things, intimate things, when I was - and it was the first time I had more than just feelings since I woke up on that bridge and I just wanted to keep feeling and seeing and remembering.” Her hand shakes as she pulls the handle to open the door. “I’m so sorry.” She takes a deep, shuddering breath, looking at Eliza like it’s the last time she’ll see their face. “I’m sorry,” she murmurs one last time before hurrying out of the car and into her building.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt can feel their compartmentalization dissolving. All those years, all that pain comes rushing back. The helplessness they felt when she started the affair, the gut-wrenching despair watching her glow after seeing him, the scream that echoed in the halls of Glengrove when the affair ended and the chaos after the power surge destroyed half the building. It’s one of the things they regret the most, that Bristol hadn’t been in the blast radius when she lost control. The prick deserved it.</p><p class="p1">They can still see her laying still as a corpse, barely breathing, barely eating, for weeks. They’d tried to stay with her, to bring her back, but she only withdrew further into herself, only moving to dodge any kind of physical contact and waking herself screaming in the night. They’d backed off, but tried to stay close as they watched her slowly pull herself back together as a shadow of her former self, throwing up barricade after barricade to keep anyone from getting close to her again.</p><p class="p1">They calm down enough to get their bodies safely parked close enough to surveil, but far enough that she won’t see them. They let Eliza scream and pound on the steering wheel as Alex slides into the passenger seat.</p><p class="p1">It’s a good thing that they still keep an eye on her building through Robert as they notice her car merging into traffic with three people inside. Myfanwy is clearly in the driver’s seat with Monica next to her. A boy sits in the back, his head bent low.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt doesn’t understand how she can be near the boy so calmly when he’s the reason she has no memory. They maneuver the car into the lane several cars behind her and maintain that distance carefully to ensure that neither she nor Monica figures out they’re there. It’s laughably easy to follow them to the park and stay inconspicuous as the women are clearly instructing the boy. He nods again and again until they stop and he gets out of the car to go stand by a bench some ways into the grass.</p><p class="p1">They’re still stinging when they pull out Robert’s phone and dial Grantchester. Their stomachs twist uncomfortably, somehow they still feel like they’re betraying her as they relay the events of the last half hour. She betrayed them first. They say nothing of last night.</p><p class="p1">Eliza and Alex watch a woman, one of the protestors they pulled into the interrogation room they realize with a start, approach the boy and grab him in a tight hug. What does she have to do with any of this.</p><p class="p1">Monica gets out of the car and sidles up, hands held out in a placating gesture. She’s clearly trying to talk the woman down as the boy shifts nervously in the back.</p><p class="p1">“Bring them all in,” Grantchester orders and hangs up.</p><p class="p1">Robert and Teddy get out of their car to get Myfanwy as Eliza and Alex start to close in on the others. They send Robert in first, rolling their eyes as they see her car is unlocked but taking advantage.</p><p class="p1">They don’t know why she’s surprised to see them. Is she really naive enough to think that they wouldn’t follow her? “You really should lock your doors,” they snark as they drop into the seat.</p><p class="p1">“What are you doing here?” Myfanwy exclaims, looking genuinely surprised.</p><p class="p1">Robert nods at the steering column, shoving down the flutters they still get looking at her in the flesh. “Let’s go.”</p><p class="p1">She shakes her head. “Not yet. I have to know,” she protests.</p><p class="p1">They yank her out with Teddy and practically throw her in the back where she scrambles over to press her face against the glass again. Gestalt pauses, flexing Teddy’s hands around the steering wheel. The hurt still pulses inside them, but they can’t quite bring themselves to drive off yet. They want to know who did this to her, too.</p><p class="p1">She jerks and presses her hands against the glass, her face is stunned in the sideview mirror. They’re about to ask even as Eliza and Alex start chasing down Monica, the boy and the woman, but the sonic boom takes them by surprise and drops those two bodies in their tracks.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck,” Teddy curses and starts the car, getting Myfanwy out of there as fast as they can. She shouts for them to wait, but they can’t think of anything but getting her out of harm’s way. Their ears are ringing and it’s taking all of their compartmentalization ability to concentrate on the road. Eliza drags their head up to watch Linda Farrier put noise blocking ear muffs on the boy and lead him away.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy whips forward and shoves at Robert’s seat. “Go back! What the hell is wrong with you?”</p><p class="p1">“Shut up!” they shout together and her mouth snaps shut as she drops back against the seat, her eyes wide and her jaw clenched.</p><p class="p1">The external ringing finally fades and they can move again after a moment, letting their consciousness bleed back into Eliza and Alex. They have to breathe slowly and carefully, unlocking their muscles and collapsing to their sides. When they look up again, both Monica and the other woman have disappeared. They curse colorfully and throw Alex’s baton. After a moment they scoop it up and do a quick scan before heading back to the car. They can track Monica’s phone from there and pick her up for a debrief.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy stays silent the entire way back to the office and they don’t try to break the tension. They can’t keep from glancing at her as often as they dare, eyes roving over her features almost looking for the signs that she still wants Bristol even though she’s probably not thinking about him at the moment. They hope.</p><p class="p1">She jerks away from Robert’s hand on her back when she gets out of the car and refuses to look at them as they take her down to an interrogation room. It hurts more than they want to admit, but they’re still stinging, too, and they can’t put it aside just yet.</p><p class="p1">Robert opens the door for her and she slips into the room, taking her seat calmly. They move into the control room and wait for Grantchester to arrive. There’s a small part of Gestalt that really hopes she’s not gone, that when he turns on his truth serum that she’ll break and admit that it was all false. Not that her being a traitor is any better, but at least their history would be intact.</p><p class="p1">But then they think about how she’s been the last few days. She’d been quiet and jittery same as she used to be, with moments of brashness and courage that they hadn’t seen from her since before burning down Glengrove. She’d seemed lighter for not knowing who or what she was. Even the anxiety of trying to fit into a life about which she had no idea only seemed to spur her on. Given time and just a bit of direction, they might get to see who she would have been without her pain. She would be breathtaking.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt turns off the cameras at Grantchester’s request and settles into an easy stance to watch his interrogation. They’re not worried that he’ll hurt her; Grantchester’s always liked Myfanwy, in part, they think, because she had little interest in moving beyond her current position.</p><p class="p1">Alex and Eliza get back to the office after finding Monica’s phone dumped in the trash, pawns scurrying out of the way at their thunderous expressions. They separate and head to the showers. It doesn’t matter in the least, but it makes the others more comfortable. They strip quickly and step under sprays of water that are almost too hot, gritting their teeth as the water washes over them. They scrub Alex down quickly and roughly, letting Eliza soak a little longer, gathering calm. Both wince as Myfanwy throws a barb their way.</p><p class="p1">Grantchester’s chemicals work quickly and Myfanwy gulps down water in between coughing. They and he relax a little as she clearly has no interest in trying to resist or deceive them any longer. All of her answers are matter of fact and she’s self-possessed in a way that would be uncharacteristic for her former self. It’s hard to imagine she’s the same person sobbing in their car last night. They want to hold her again, Bristol be damned.</p><p class="p1">They pull clothes onto Alex and let down Eliza’s hair after they’ve toweled off. They dress in the spare clothes they always keep at the office.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy tells Grantchester the same as she told them. Waking up in the rain, surrounded by bodies and with no memory of herself. It is a surprise when she mentions that she left herself two options, to stay or to go. That her exit strategy had been through Lorik and the Lugat. Just thinking of her disappearing without a trace, not knowing anyone or anything. She’d have been vulnerable to all kinds of attacks. It makes their stomachs drop and twist. They close Robert’s eyes and take deep breaths. They’re so grateful she stayed.</p><p class="p1">Then Grantchester perks up as Myfanwy confesses that Farrier’s the one that ordered the memory wipe and has been covering for her since. That was one thing that really bothered Gestalt, but they hadn’t stopped to think about it, too focused on Myfanwy to really analyze it. Why in the world would she want to do this to her favorite agent?</p><p class="p1">They key in the code to turn on the cameras at Grantchester’s request and resign themselves to listening to the whole story over again.</p><p class="p1">Several hours later, Grantchester is satisfied with Myfanwy’s statement and releases her. She looks pale and a little wrung out, but relieved to have her secret out in the open.Gestalt gestures with Robert that she can follow him out of the interrogation sector. Teddy stays behind to collect and log her getaway materials.</p><p class="p1">She glances back at them as she follows Robert, but doesn’t protest. They take the stairs two at a time, trying to outpace her just a little to stop her from engaging in conversation. There’s so much for them to think about. Of course, she doesn’t oblige.</p><p class="p1">“At least I’m not a traitor,” she says, running a little to keep up.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt takes a deep breath and manages to hold their tongue until they reach the command center. A couple of techs are in there, but a quick command sends them scurrying. They finally look up to meet her eyes. “I can’t believe you asked the Lugat to smuggle you out of the country. Do you know how dangerous that is?! With your memory gone?”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy drops her eyes and slumps against their desk. “I didn’t know. I didn’t have time to grab the items in that box.”</p><p class="p1">“And harboring the boy? Who the hell was that woman?” Robert snaps. “Christ, Myfanwy, it’s a miracle you’re alive right now.” They start to move away from her, but can’t seem to manage it. Her hair’s hiding her face and their fingers itch to smooth it back. This woman drives them insane.</p><p class="p1">She straightens a little and sniffs. “Why did you follow me when I told you not to? I said I had to find out who this other woman was.” Her fingers tuck her hair back and they can see the spots of color on her cheeks and the flat line of her mouth.</p><p class="p1">“It’s my job.”</p><p class="p1">“Bullshit,” she snarls, suddenly all fire and steel. “You broke my confidence and betrayed my trust.”</p><p class="p1">Robert grabs her arms and shakes her a little. “Do you honestly think that I would leave you alone for one second after you told me that your memory’d been erased? When you have no real idea of what it’s like out there? Myfanwy, I’ve loved you since we were children and now all that is gone. I don’t <em>know </em>you anymore. You’re bumbling around like a newborn foal because you are one in this world and it’s going to get you killed.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy stares up at them with wide eyes. “Gone?” Her face crumples and she takes a hitching, little breath. Then she visibly pulls herself together and closes down. “I thought that the scales might tip once you heard everything. I’m so sorry, Gestalt. I didn’t know and I couldn’t think of any other way to find out the truth.”</p><p class="p1">“I truly only wanted to know who I was and why I was a target.” She presses her hands to Robert’s chest and carefully pushes them away until their grip drops. Her fingertips linger a moment before she lets them fall to her sides. Robert’s chest tingles in the eight small places where they rested. “I never wanted to hurt you.” She scoops up the bag of her personal effects and gives them a sad little smile. “By the way, that woman in the park? She says she’s my sister.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Considerations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Myfanwy thinks one of the hardest things she’s had to do so far is walk away from Gestalt staring at her in shock. It’s clear by their actions today that last night had been a fluke. They couldn’t look at her the same after they had finally realized that she wasn’t the same person they’d loved, not to mention that she’d gone back to Bristol even without her memory. She’d had no idea, but they had a lifetime of dealing with the fallout of that shitshow. They were done with her. They’d said so themselves.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“I’ve loved you since we were children and now all of that is gone.”</em>
  
</p><p class="p1">It couldn’t get clearer than that. So, she’d forced herself out of their orbit, taken her things and left. She couldn’t leave without telling them what she’d learned and she’d admitted that the woman had insisted that she was Myfanwy’s sister. She hadn’t stuck around to see what they might say to that. She guessed it was just another reminder that she wasn’t the same.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy escapes the building as quick as she can and slips into her car. She takes a moment to catch her breath and glances at the items in the evidence bag. The white burner phone catches her gaze.</p><p class="p1">Would it be too much to hope that the woman, her supposed sister, might pick up if she called? She pulls the phone out of the bag and turns it on, quickly opening up the call history.</p><p class="p1">Only one number. That makes it easy, she supposes as she presses call and lifts the phone to her ear.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Nazim, where are you?</em>” a woman answers without preamble, worry clear in her voice.</p><p class="p1">It takes a moment to get her voice to work. “It’s Myfanwy,” she says.</p><p class="p1">The woman gasps. “<em>Hi</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“I believe you wanted to see me?”</p><p class="p1"><em>“Yes! I do. Can you meet me?”</em> The woman rattles off an address in Horsham and Myfanwy puts it into her phone for directions.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Myfanwy says and hangs up, heart pounding. She knows she shouldn’t get too excited. For all their words speared deep into her to confirm her own fears, Gestalt was right that she was basically a newborn. She has to go into this meeting much more carefully than she’s been since she woke up. Resolve set, she starts the car.</p><hr/><p class="p1">The meeting with her sister had not gone especially well. It was clear that Bronwyn was in the dark about the full extent of Myfanwy’s memory loss, maybe she thought that it hadn’t worked at all, and Myfanwy couldn’t quite bring herself to make it clear. Maybe if she hadn’t had the flash of memory, seeing herself and her friends laughing and drinking and playing in the yard.</p><p class="p1">But she had!She’d remembered something!</p><p class="p1">And it sent her heart flying. Maybe the same could be done with Gestalt. If they did things that they’d done before, went places that meant something for them both, recreated experiences together, she might be able to remember their history. She might be able to give them back their Myfanwy.</p><p class="p1">The drive back to the office feels like it takes forever. She doesn’t care that Gestalt seems to hate her now, or be indifferent at best. She has to tell them.</p><p class="p1">Grabbing the bag of effects, she tries not to shake as she goes through security and makes her way to their offices. She looks down and frowns, the neutral-colored box of anxiety medication taunting her. Myfanwy takes it out of the bag, remembering Bronwyn’s warnings. She doesn’t quite feed into all of the conspiracy theories Bronwyn insisted were true, but she does agree that the medication is only holding her back. She’s not the same person; she doesn’t need to be medicated into a stupor.</p><p class="p1">The box makes a satisfying thump as she drops it in the bin. Letting go feels good. She hopes that she can build a new life, make her own patchwork quilt of old memories and new. She hopes it can be with Gestalt.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy spins around and sees three quarters of Gestalt sitting in the conference room, staring off into space. Her heart leaps up to her throat, but she moves forward anyway.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, good,” she says breathlessly. “You’re still here.”</p><p class="p1">“Now’s not a good time,” Teddy snaps.</p><p class="p1">It takes her aback for a moment, but she steels herself and forges on. “I know these last few days haven’t been easy and I’ll admit I could have handled things better.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s an understatement,” Eliza says, looking at her coldly.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy grabs their hand, grateful to get even that much. “I understand why you’re angry. I know I’ve hurt you in ways I can’t imagine right now, but something happened today. I got flashes and memories, all tied to intense emotion.”</p><p class="p1">Robert glares at her. “Not now, <em>please.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Please, please. Just let me finish,” Myfanwy begs, Robert turns their glare back to the table. Eliza’s face goes through a complicated set of expressions before smoothing out. “The intensity of it reminded me of being with you. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, or even at all.”</p><p class="p1">She takes a deep breath and tries to calm her heartbeat. They’re so beautiful in front of her. “All I want is a chance. I thought that if we start with that, maybe visit places we - you went - with her, do things that you did together…”</p><p class="p1">Eliza opens their mouth to interrupt, but Myfanwy rushes on, squeezing their hand tightly. “Maybe I can remember.<em> I want to remember what we had.</em>”</p><p class="p1">All three of them look at her, their faces giving nothing away. She takes in each of them in turn. “I have to try,” she whispers even as she knows she won’t get that chance. She squeezes Eliza’s hand one more time and lets go, instantly missing their warmth.</p><p class="p1">Ingrid rolls through the door behind Gestalt, her face twisted in the expression that tells Myfanwy that the news she bears isn’t good. “Myfanwy…”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy backs up and actually takes in the room, her stomach dropping. What did she interrupt? “What’s going on?”</p><p class="p1">Ingrid grimaces. “They brought in Linda. She’s being held downstairs. She’s asked to see you.”</p><p class="p1">Gestalt stares at Myfanwy impassively with Teddy and Eliza. Robert twists slightly to look at Ingrid.</p><p class="p1">“What?” She says again, pushing aside her turmoil over Gestalt.</p><p class="p1">“She wants to talk,” Ingrid reiterates, scooting back slightly.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy bites her lip and looks at Gestalt. Possibly the only thing she wants more than reconciling with Gestalt is for Farrier to explain what the hell happened. They don’t give anything away. Looking back to Ingrid, she nods sharply once and moves around Gestalt’s seats to join her. She clenches her hand to keep from touching them one last time.</p><p class="p1">Ingrid follows her to the stairs. “Are you all right?”</p><p class="p1">Her ears are ringing, but Myfanwy nods anyway. “Yes, thank you,” she says automatically and starts down the stairs.</p><p class="p1">“Myfanwy,” Ingrid calls after her.</p><p class="p1">She pauses and turns.</p><p class="p1">Ingrid gives her a small smile. “Good luck.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy tries to smile back, but she’s sure it comes across as more of a grimace. Though it might not look like it, she’s never appreciated Ingrid more.</p><p class="p1">The stairs seem endless as she descends. She wishes even one of Gestalt was with her to hold her hand, to keep her steady. It’s only her own fault that they’re not. Pausing a moment, she shakes her head to clear it. This could be what she’s been waiting for, the full story of why she’d been erased. She is not the shrinking violet they expect her to be. She is her own fucking self.</p><p class="p1">She’s vaguely surprised when her access code still works to open the cell door.</p><p class="p1">Linda sits on a bench at the back of the room, dressed in a generic grey sweatsuit, bent over with her elbows on her knees. It does nothing to diminish her presence. She sits back and sighs, “It’s time I told you everything.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy closes the door and crosses the room to sit next to her, eyes riveted on the face of the woman who ordered her mind be scrubbed clean.</p><p class="p1">“A month ago, you brought it a woman for assessments and presented her to us as a possible EVA. Her brother had made millions in the market so quickly that he was taken in and charged with insider trading. In the raid on his residence, they found thousands of pages documentation of commodities written by this woman, Josie Fairburn.” Linda shakes her head. “Conrad and I honestly thought that you were grasping at straws, that there is no way that even an EVA could allow someone to see into the future. We listened to your report and dismissed it out of hand. It was simply too outrageous to be believed.”</p><p class="p1">“That day, the day you presented her to us, Josie made a prediction. She told you that you would wake up in the rain, attacked with your memory stolen. I didn’t know at the time, but it rattled you hard enough that you began planning for this event. You left yourself notes, tried to account for every possible variable. Thinking it was another manifestation of your anxiety, I ordered Gestalt to ignore any attempts you made to talk about it and to change the subject if it came up. It hadn’t been the first time you’d exhibited that kind of obsessive behavior, so I did my best to head it off at the start. You had the potential to be so powerful, but your trauma stunted any kind of growth you’d make in that sector. Your parents, Andrew Bristol, the fire…all together it broke you.”</p><p class="p1">Linda reaches out to take Myfanwy’s hand, an expression of pity on her face.Myfanwy jerks out of reach. Linda presses her mouth into a flat line, but returns her hand to her lap. “Around the same time, we apprehended Bronwyn outside of the Chequy. She was clearly trying to time your schedule so she could find a way to follow you home and convince you to leave us. I warned her off, but that girl is about as stubborn as you. Family trait.” She smiles wryly and continues, “She came back several days later with a proposition. She knew of a boy who could erase memories, had been doing so for others, making them forget their traumas so that they could live happy lives again.’</p><p class="p1">“Bronwyn offered to bring the boy here, to use him to clear your memory of anything related to the Chequy. That way, you could leave and start a new life with her, and we wouldn’t have to worry about your ability to keep secrets. My immediate response was no, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a gift.</p><p class="p1">“You were never happy here. You made it through the days and your obsessive attention to detail served us well as an administrator, but I could see how heavily the past weighed on you. You couldn’t forget or move on. I’ve always felt responsible for you. I brought you into Glengrove; I allowed that man to continue seeing you even after learning of your affair; I encouraged you to explore methods of activating your EVA through pain and then did nothing when you used it to suppress your power. If this boy’s power was real, then it was an opportunity for me to make up for the mistakes of my past and for you to start over.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy twists her fingers together and fights to keep her tears from falling. “Why did he take everything?”</p><p class="p1">Linda’s shoulders slump. “He was only meant to take your time with the Chequy and Glengrove. My best guess is that your ability interacted badly with his. Neither of you are well trained and neither of you had the control to limit the effects. Of course, I didn’t know at the time that it would go awry so spectacularly.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry, Myfanwy,” Linda confesses. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you told us about Josie. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened since we met.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy studies her former mentor, trying to make sense of it all. “Why didn’t you just tell me this at my apartment? Why did you let me bumble around like an idiot, scared out of my mind that anyone on the street could have it out for me?” She stands and paces to the far wall. “Did I even tell you that it’s what I wanted?”</p><p class="p1">The former King meets her angry gaze and her lips quirk up. “I don’t know. I didn’t really expect to find you there, much less without the entirety of your personal history. I only went to your apartment on the off chance you were still there. When you answered the door and had no idea who I was, I panicked. I thought I could keep you safe, keep you with the Chequy. I never wanted to let you go in the first place, but it seemed like it was what was best for you. I never dreamed it could turn out this way.”</p><p class="p1">“Did I want to go?” Myfanwy asks flatly.</p><p class="p1">“No,” Linda admits. “You didn’t, but you agreed that it was what was best. I thought it was just your fear holding you back from finding the life you should have had.”</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy’s heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest. She drives her fingers into her hair and the lights flicker overhead. Linda stands immediately and approaches her, hands out as if inching closer to a skittish animal. She slams her hands down to her sides. “I am not so fragile as that,” she snaps and storms out of the cell.</p><p class="p1">She can’t believe this agency, the people she’s supposedly been friends with, worked closely with for years. It’s impossible to think she will ever forgive Linda even if the woman thought she was doing what was best. Her stomach turns as she considers how delicate and weak and pitiable her former self was. All of them walked on eggshells around her as if the slightest provocation would send her spiraling into a pit of despair and self-harm.</p><p class="p1">Well, fine. There’s nothing left for her here anyway. Gestalt’s made it clear that they don’t want to engage with her ever again and any shadow of a relationship with anyone else was blasted away with Linda’s confession. She’s done with it, too. Fishing the burner phone out of her pocket, she dials Bronwyn’s number.</p><p class="p1">“Myfanwy?” her sister's voice is surprised and so hopeful that it hurts.</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” she says. “I’ll go.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">Later that day, Myfanwy’s eyes are drawn to the passport and ticket laying on her bed as she moves around packing the few things she’ll need. A new identity, a new life, even if just for a little while fills her with trepidation even as she buzzes with anticipation.</p><p class="p1">It had been a shock, coming home to see the aftermath of the Chequy’s efforts to break into her safe room. Her living room is covered in dust and debris, plaster and drywall strewn about in chunks. Boot prints of countless agents criss-cross her floor without care. Scorch marks reach up to the ceiling from the explosives they used to crack open the door. It makes her angry even as she understands. This is her space. It was her space. It occurs to her that after tomorrow, who knows if she’ll ever be able to come back?</p><p class="p1">She throws another few pairs of underwear into her suitcase. That’s the most important thing. Having enough underwear because it might be a long time before she can get to a laundromat.</p><p class="p1">She wonders how life will be on the run. Will it be just a series of unfamiliar places, dingy and derelict so as not to draw attention? Will she have any kind of freedom to explore the places she’s in or will she have to remain trapped in whatever hovel is designated as the safe place for the night? She supposes that it’s highly unlikely that they’ll get four-star accommodations, so she had instantly imagined rat infested basements and flickering fluorescent lights. Maybe it won’t be so bad. She’ll have her freedom, of a sort; she’ll have Bronwyn.</p><p class="p1">A wave of longing sweeps over her as she considers what she’ll be leaving behind. Brief moments have come back to her at the most random times, earlier she’d remembered a few seconds of her time at Glengrove. The training they’d put them through was brutal, but those in charge were preparing them for battle after all. For survival in the most hostile environments. She can feel the cold rain soaking into her skin as she and Gestalt, Alex, took refuge from the downpour. They were soaked through, too, but took it all much more seriously than she did, and were scouting out where they had to go next.</p><p class="p1">She had wanted so bad to reach out then, to feel them under her fingers, to grab on and never let go. But they were Gestalt. She couldn’t ruin them, too. Somehow she knew she’d started the affair with Bristol shortly after. And gotten in too deep there. And destroyed Glengrove, killing so many, when the affair fell apart. Apparently.</p><p class="p1">Inhaling sharply, Myfanwy shakes her head and moves into the bathroom to pack up the few essentials she’ll need. It doesn’t take long for her to finish with only a small suitcase and a smaller backpack. Bronwyn had said pack light, be ready to move at a moment’s notice. She hopes this is light enough.</p><p class="p1">But the moment with Gestalt lingers, so she pulls some stationary from her desk (thankfully from a drawer that stopped the worst of the dust getting in) and sits on her bed. The words come easy. She want to tell them that there’s hope, that she might be able to remember at least some of what they had. That she’ll come back when she’s figured out who the hell she is now without feeling like she’ll disappoint them at every turn. She can’t do it again.</p><p class="p1">It feels cowardly, but she’s used up her bravery for the day. It’s truly the last of her reserves to seal up the envelope, put the stamp on and drop it in the post right before the office closes. She hopes they understand.</p><p class="p1">She jogs back to her building, but slows down once she’s inside. This might be the last time she’s here and she’s never bothered to look around. The layout and decor are relatively standard, utilitarian with a few touches of green here and there. She nods and smiles at the doorman before getting into the elevator.</p><p class="p1">There isn’t much to take in here, mirrored walls and a panel of buttons to the left of the door. She presses the button for her floor and stares at her reflection as the lift starts moving. Her face is pale except for the bright flush on her cheeks. She almost looks feverish, a little bit manic. Thank goodness she’s alone. The panel makes a bell sound as it reaches her floor and she stumbles out quickly.</p><p class="p1">Once back inside her flat, she sets her resolve and takes a couple of sleeping pills from the bottle in her medicine cabinet. She’s wired right now, but she has to get up early to catch the ferry and she needs to be alert while she sneaks out of the country.</p><p class="p1">Fortunately, the pills work quickly and she drops into a dreamless sleep until her alarm blares just as the sun is spilling into her room. She stretches and stares as the ceiling for a few seconds.</p><p class="p1">Can she really do this? Can she escape this life?</p><p class="p1">Yes, she decides. She can. She can leave and get better and learn who she is so that she can return to Gestalt as who she’s meant to be. If they want to see her ever again.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy rolls out of bed and takes a quick shower, grimacing at the ugly smattering of yellow and green around her waist. None of the bodies had been especially close to her when she woke up, so she wonders how she got the marks in the first place. Remembering the medical examiner’s assessment of the others, massive trauma from muscle contraction, she considers that she might have done it herself. Did her EVA affect her, too? She makes a mental note to spend some time exploring the limits of her ability while she’s working on the rest of herself. Maybe she can actually start to use it at will, though she hates to think of the bird she’d controlled in the video Bristol showed her. She wonders if it hurt.</p><p class="p1">Shaking herself out of her musings, she rinses the soap from her body and shuts the water off. She won’t know the answers to any of those questions until she’s had some time to test herself. And she’ll have plenty of time for that once she’s out of the country.</p><p class="p1">She dries and curls her hair, carefully replacing the tools in their spots. Aside from the mess the Checquy made, her flat is still orderly. She’d like to leave that last impression at least.</p><p class="p1">Her clothes, laid out the night before, are simple and nondescript. A white shirt, jeans (which she had to purchase yesterday because she apparently didn’t own any) and the jacket she’d bought the day after she woke up. She feels a little bit punk rock in it, the simple tight clothing somehow settling much easier on her than the loose, wallflower clothing her former self had preferred.</p><p class="p1">She types out a quick email to Ingrid, leaving the details on how to get into her place, to use or take care of, along with her bank information for any related cleaning costs. She schedules it to send in two days from an account she’s just made for this purpose and powers down her laptop. She makes the bed, taking one last look around the bedroom, and moves into the main room. She places the laptop on her desk. The refrigerator, freezer and trash are empty. She cleared them all out last night, along with any other items that might mold and smell. For all she’s only known this place for 6 days, she still feels like she might miss it. She hopes it’s here for her to come back to, but won’t be too upset if it isn’t.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy takes one last deep breath, steps outside with her luggage and pulls the locked door closed.</p><p class="p1">She takes a cab to the docks and pays cash. The morning is bright and clear, cold sea air filling her lungs. It’s a good day to become someone else.</p><p class="p1">Moving through security almost gives her a panic attack when the guard spot checks her backpack, but it’s perfunctory and he wishes her a good trip without a second glance. He reminds her a little of Teddy.</p><p class="p1">The terminal is busy with travelers, children running around trying to amuse themselves as they wait for the ferry to board and others just trying to ignore them. She tries not to think about what she’s leaving behind, but one by one, the faces of her friends, her colleagues, flash before her eyes. Eliza with that little wrinkle in their forehead. Alex and their perpetually upturned mouth. Linda watching her carefully. Grantchester with suspicion in his gaze. Robert staring at her with the gaze that makes her feel like they can see every bit of her.</p><p class="p1">She rushes to the restroom to splash water on her face. She can’t do this! They’ll find her; they’ll hate her. For a moment she wants nothing more than to rush back to the Checquy and fling herself at their feet, begging for mercy. But she’s already done that, hasn’t she? And they only looked at her with nothing in their eyes.</p><p class="p1">The boarding call rings over the speakers. No, it’s better this way. She has to go.</p><p class="p1">The next thing she’s aware of is waking in a cramped crate, presumably in the back of a truck being bounced around on road in dire need of repaving. Her head is pounding and she feels like she’s going to be sick. The air around her is stagnant and it only adds to her nausea. She manages to pry her eyes open and push herself up to a seat. There’s barely enough room for her to sit up and extend her legs all the way. Two inch thick glass bolted into a steel frame makes up four of the 6 walls, with a sliding door on the left andwhat she’s assuming are air holes drilled in to the right.</p><p class="p1">She tries to wrench the gate open, to kick out the glass, to gather her power to break out, but nothing comes of either endeavor. Myfanwy is well and truly trapped.</p><p class="p1">It feels like forever and no time at all until the pavement smooths out and the truck comes to a stop. The doors swing wide, leaving her blinking at the bright light. Unfamiliar uniformed men pull her cage forward onto a cart. It doesn’t escape her that this is clearly a well-run and well-funded operation. A man approaches her with a long syringe clipped into a long pole that he sticks through one of the air holes at shoulder level. She squirms and presses her self as hard as she can against the other side of her small cage even knowing that there’s no escape. The needle goes in deep and her head begins to swim instantly.</p><p class="p1">They wait a few moments for the injection to take effect. She feels like a rag doll when they unlock the door and slide it open to pull her out. She’s not going to fight right now. She’s not stupid and even without her memory can recognize when she’s outmatched.</p><p class="p1">Her knees buckle when she tries to stand and the guards dump her carelessly into a wheelchair. She doesn’t get much of a look around as she’s transported to a plain room with a chair, table and cot in the back. They grab her arms and haul her up to drop her into the chair before leaving without a word. There’s a glass of orange juice already on the table, but just thinking about it makes her want to be sick.</p><p class="p1">How could she be so stupid? She’s basically proven Gestalt right, getting captured after less than an hour of going off on her own. Maybe this was what was always going to happen.</p><p class="p1">A woman comes in, declares herself Sophia and takes a picture. She’s a condescending bitch, speaking to Myfanwy like a child when she advises (orders) her to drink the juice. It’s yet another blow to hear that she’s not really allergic to bees, though she can’t imagine why the Checquy would tell her that when she was forcing her power down on her own. It’s not like she wanted to use it before.</p><p class="p1">Sophia saunters out again and Myfanwy’s left with daydreams of smacking the lipstick right off that smug face when she realizes exactly what’s happening. She’s being trafficked. They’re preparing her to be sold off to the highest bidder and she’s never going to see anyone she knows ever again. Her body can’t work up the proper chemicals to send her into a panic attack, so she just sits there staring at the wall until she feels steady enough to sit up all the way. She eyes the juice and decides it’s worth the risk. They hadn’t been shy about drugging her earlier, talking about it openly like she wasn’t worthy of direct interaction, so she’s not especially worried that the juice is tainted.</p><p class="p1">It tastes better than she expects it to, but she rations her sips until it’s gone. She doesn’t know when she’s going to be able to eat again. Though, it does stand to reason that her buyers would want her in good shape for whatever heinous acts they’d force her to commit, so they probably won’t be treated too poorly. Except for the kidnapping and human trafficking and all.</p><p class="p1">It takes much less time than she figured for them to cuff her and force-march her to the auction space. They sit her down in front of a camera in an otherwise empty room. A wall partially bisects the room, preventing the auctioneer from being in direct eyesight and holding a giant screen on which the bidding is tracked.</p><p class="p1">Sophia wanders off and back, cranking up the condescension as she tries to get Myfanwy to perk up, like she wants to be sold by some stranger for tens of millions of dollars. Myfanwy imagines stomping her face in and refuses to cooperate.</p><p class="p1">The bitch’s smile drops.</p><p class="p1">In no time at all, the auctioneer declares her sold and the guards hustle her up and out to another room. She’s standing at the window, as far away from these fucked up people as she can.Her heart jumps when she sees Peter Van Syock and two others marching Linda Farrier into the building.</p><p class="p1">The bitch is saying something in the background and Myfanwy’s not interested in anything she’s saying, but then she hears, “…buyer will be here soon.”</p><p class="p1">She looks over, desperately scrambling to find any kind of opening to escape, but she knows it’s still not possible yet. Despite the betrayal she feels, she has to get Farrier out, too. She doesn’t deserve this either.</p><p class="p1">They’re strapping Farrier into a wheelchair, immobilizing her to drug her, too.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy’s drawn back to her own predicament when the door at the end of the hall swings open and fucking Lorik walks through as though he’s the king of the world. He was always going to do this to her, she realizes. Even if she hadn’t lost her memory, he had still planned on kidnapping her and selling her and would former her have been able to do anything about it? She’s unable to act right now, but she’s ready to take any opening she can get.</p><p class="p1">He introduces Victor Danilov and Myfanwy considers kicking him in the balls right there. She hopes she gets the chance to do it someday.</p><p class="p1">She’s really getting sick of them telling her how lucky she is. Fortunately, or unfortunately, she doesn’t have to listen to them much longer as the guards arrive to escort her down to the transport. She tunes out the bitch, who can’t seem to keep her fucking mouth shut, in favor of staring at the vehicle carrying her away to what will probably be a short and painful existence as a possession of China.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, this has definitely turned into something I didn't quite expect. Hopefully, you enjoy it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Complications</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Gestalt refuses to acknowledge the niggling feeling that they betrayed Myfanwy. They’d been bitter and hurting in their last confrontation, so they’d lashed out in the dumbest way. They only meant to debrief Monica, but the evidence of her heartbreak coupled with their own recent disaster made them temporarily forget. Plus they’re hoping that sleeping with her might make it awkward enough for her to leave. At least that’s what they tell themselves.</p><p class="p1">All but Alex sat in the conference room to put all their concentration into the task at hand. Of course Myfanwy had to bust in right as they were getting started. Monica was beautiful, but they had very specific desires. Then the woman they loved who wasn’t the woman they loved burst in to plead with them for another chance. She confessed that she was remembering, that she wanted another chance, but they were already in too deep.</p><p class="p1">It took all they had to avoid interrupting Alex when she’d taken Eliza’s hand and squeezed so hard. They wanted to feel her in their arms again. It is fortunate (or not) that Ingrid interrupts them just as Myfanwy finishes her impassioned speech. They run off to confront Farrier and Gestalt pushes everything out of their mind but the feel of Monica’s skin under their teeth and her gorgeous body squeezing around Alex’s cock. They bring her over again and again, channeling all their frustration into exhausting this woman who was using them to forget, too.</p><p class="p1">Eventually, Eliza, Teddy and Robert are able to make it home during a break in between rounds and Gestalt just relaxes into themselves. They sink into sleep and dream of a young woman with copper hair.</p>
<hr/><p class="p1">Gestalt wakes slowly, hating themselves as they slide Alex out of bed and pull on their clothes. They can’t wait to wash last night off. They call down for room service, feel like it’s the least they can do. Monica barely grunts when they give her the usual platitudes. It’s a relief when she kicks them out and they can’t resist one last barb. It’ll be a relief when they don’t have to think about her anymore.</p><p class="p1">Robert, Eliza and Teddy get ready. Alex will meet them at the office to shower and change into their spare clothes there. They always keep a set for each of them within easy reach. They wonder if it’s masochistic that they still want to be in Myfanwy’s orbit.</p><p class="p1">They send Teddy over to Ingrid’s desk mid-morning to check on Myfanwy since there’s been no sign of her in the office yet.</p><p class="p1">Ingrid shrugs and starts typing. They feel a little bad about their treatment of her over the last few days, but not enough to apologize. They’re about to leave when they catch sight of an envelope with their name written in Myfanwy’s open script.</p><p class="p1">Ingrid says it came in this morning’s mail, but they can’t think of why she’d send them a letter instead of just confronting them here.</p><p class="p1">They rip it open and their chests ache as they read. They know the day she’s referring to and they’d had to turn around to scout, but also to hide their bodies’ reaction to the way her sodden clothes clung to her body. They hadn’t known she was fighting the same urges even then. She’d started pursuing Bristol the next week and Gestalt lost all hope after the fire. She’d all but vowed never to love again.</p><p class="p1">Then she confesses that she’s leaving to start a new life, to leave them behind and never look back. She signs it, “With love.” It doesn’t matter anymore that she’s not the same person they fell in love with or that she made the same goddamn mistake again with that piece of shit masquerading as a human. They can’t imagine a life without her in it.</p><p class="p1">They have Ingrid activate Drawbridge Protocol. Myfanwy’s not going to slip through their fingers again. Teddy races up the stairs to Grantchester’s office and hands him the note as Robert, Alex and Eliza bark orders to get as many eyes searching as possible. The King confirms their activation and they pull Teddy back to their central office to help coordinate.</p><p class="p1">All of them are walking on pins and needles, despair warring with hope as they scan surveillance videos and pages of passenger manifests. They have to find her. They have to tell her. She can’t get away from them so easily.</p><p class="p1">An hour later, they’re no closer to finding her than when they started. There’ve been a few EVA related incidents, but nothing that bore the characteristics of her ability. Grantchester swings through for an update and Robert and Eliza tell him what they’ve found. Which is nothing.</p><p class="p1">They’re forcing themselves to stay calm, to act like it’s any other EVA they need to find, but lying to themselves is only going to work for so long. Ingrid dials Alex’s phone, strange because she’s just sitting a few yards away, but it’s Myfanwy’s voice on the line.</p><p class="p1">“Myfanwy?” Alex says, trying to keep the worry and relief from bleeding in too much. They pull in the rest of themselves and Grantchester to the room and put her on speaker phone.</p><p class="p1">“I was just at Victor Danilov’s residence,” she tells them. “They’re holding an auction. They have Linda.”</p><p class="p1">There’s no indication in her voice that she’s been harmed. In fact, she sounds stronger than ever, but they have to, “Where are you now? Are you hurt?” Nothing short of death can stop them from coming for her.</p><p class="p1">“It doesn’t matter,” she snaps. “I need you to go to her now!”</p><p class="p1">This is a fine fucking time for her to grow a spine. “Myfanwy, you need to <em>run</em>,” they say with all bodies. She has to get out of there, to get to safety. It’s now a visceral need to have her in their arms, to feel and see and hear for themselves that she’s okay.</p><p class="p1">Predictably (now), Myfanwy refuses, “I’m not leaving without her,” and hangs up.</p><p class="p1">A pawn says what they’re all thinking, “Victor Danilov’s got full diplomatic immunity. Might as well be Russian soil.”</p><p class="p1">Gestalt wants to punch him, but it is the truth. They train their eyes on Grantchester, willing him to give the order to breach. It’s agony to have to wait for authorization to reclaim their people. He motions for Robert to accompany him to his office where he shuts the door and gets the Undersecretary on the phone.</p><p class="p1">They argue for long minutes and it’s a side of Grantchester that Gestalt’s never seen before. It makes them more comfortable to know that he can fight when he needs to, especially when the Secretary refuses to authorize action against Danilov despite the heinous acts he’s committing even as they speak. She hangs up on him and Grantchester stares at Robert for just a moment before dipping his head.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt is up and out of the office as quickly as they can possibly move. All of them pile into an SUV and speed out of the parking lot. They want to strangle Myfanwy even as they want to kiss her. What the hell is she thinking, going back to that monster’s house? They can handle it; they can get Linda out. There’s no need for her to put herself in danger like that.</p><p class="p1">Less than twenty minutes later, they’re dropping Alex and Robert off to sneak into the compound the back way as Eliza and Teddy drive to the front gates and pull over just barely up the road. They get Eliza out of the car, shouting at Teddy until they act as if they’re committing some serious domestic violence against themselves. Myfanwy always hated this ploy, but it was an effective one to catch people off guard.</p><p class="p1">It works again and they have the guards out cold with a few blows. Alex makes it into the control room, knocking out the guard there and disabling the security system. Teddy and Eliza come through the front gate ready to fire. It’s going to take a lot of restraint, but they only packed sedatives just in case they got carried away.</p><p class="p1">Robert takes out a guard in the back and Gestalt moves through the compound efficiently, knocking out anyone who might pose even a hint of a threat. They take extra pleasure in looking Danilov in the eye and shooting him point blank. They shoot him again just because.</p><p class="p1">The house is a maze of strange staircases and room and levels, and there are people wandering around everywhere. It makes clearing the rooms almost impossible, but they just shoot anyone they see that looks armed or like they might put up a fight. They walk past a door that looks like it might lead to another room and creep back to make sure. They twist the handle slowly and push the door open fast, ready to fire, and their hearts leap into their throats as they see Myfanwy standing there, pale and perfect.</p><p class="p1">They rush inside, “Are you all right? Did they hurt you?” Teddy reaches out to her, to feel her and see for themselves that she’s not harmed. It takes all of their restraint to keep from crushing her to them. The hand she places on their chest feels like a brand even through their suit.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy shakes her head. “I’m fine,” she insists. “I need to find Lorik.”</p><p class="p1">“Are you mad?” they can’t help but respond. The man kidnapped and drugged her and sold her to god-knows-who to do god-knows-what with her and she wants to go back for more?</p><p class="p1">“There are other EVAs in the auction, but they won’t be sent to their buyers until he gives the go-ahead.”</p><p class="p1">They don’t have time for this! “I’ve got to get you and Farrier out,” they try, but she interrupts.</p><p class="p1">“Listen to me. If we find Lorik, we can save the others.” Her eyes are huge and her jaw is set. Fuck, they want to strangle her and kiss her at the same time.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt couldn’t give two fucks about the rest of the people around them. Teddy sets their own jaw, “Why don’t you leave the operational stuff to the people who actually know what they’re doing?” That would have sent her into a fit before, but they can’t think past their fear for her safety and the need to get clear before it all goes to shit. They tug her toward the door. “Let’s go.”</p><p class="p1">She tugs back. “I’ll slow you down,” she points out and fuck, again, she’s right.</p><p class="p1">It might be more dangerous to take her with them since they can’t count on her as backup.</p><p class="p1">“Find Farrier,” she orders, “Come back for me.” Her face softens and she almost looks longing. As if she doesn’t know that they will always, <em>always</em> come for her.</p><p class="p1">They almost lean in and kiss her, just in case it’s the last time, but they chicken out. They can’t afford to be so distracted. It hurts a little how she brightens when they agree. “Lock the fucking door,” they snap and slip back out into the hall. If they use a little extra aggression in subduing their next targets, then no one’s to say why but them.</p><p class="p1">Alex moves down a hallway to a room they haven’t cleared yet and freezes as they hear, “Don’t move,” Van Syock shouts. They turn to see him with a shotgun trained dead center. Eliza rushes down the stairs behind him. “Or I’ll blow your fucking - “</p><p class="p1">They shoot him, feeling no small amount of satisfaction as they kick him to the ground, and wish they were packing bullets for at least this fucker. He’ll be going away for a long time if they have anything to say about it. Robert joins the two and they burst through to the auction room. Alex drops his arms and moves in front of Linda. For all they had their differences, they wouldn’t be who they are without her.</p><p class="p1">“Hello, you,” she rasps, woozy and disoriented by the drugs that had been pumped into her.</p><p class="p1">Alex sets about freeing her from the restraints as Eliza and Robert stand guard. A man rushes out from the back, the auctioneer no doubt, and tries to pretend like he has nothing to do with it. It feels good to beat him down. He probably hadn’t blinked at the prospect of selling people into slavery.</p><p class="p1">Robert moves back to help support Linda and Eliza grabs the man’s briefcase before taking point. No doubt the auction records are in there and they’ll likely prove very helpful in the future.</p><p class="p1">They double back to the room in which they’d left Myfanwy. It’s definitely time to get out. They have what they need…and then they don’t. The room is empty, no sign of Myfanwy anywhere. She’s somehow more of a pain in the ass now and they just wish she could have waited until they’d made their escape to start being so assertive. They search as quick as they can, but there isn’t enough time. They catch sight of a couple of terrified looking women.</p><p class="p1">“Where is Myfanwy Thomas?” Teddy asks, using their considerable intimidation skills. They’re at the end of their patience. They need to keep her safe. “Is she here?”</p><p class="p1">The women back away, cowering and shaking their heads.</p><p class="p1">They scream, “Where the FUCK is she?” and the women screamed and ran. There might still be hostiles around and she wasn’t well trained enough. She couldn’t deploy her power at will and these people were life long criminals.</p><p class="p1">Emergency response vehicles scream into the compound through the open gate, staff jumping out at a run to take Farrier from their grasp. Alex follows closely, glaring at anyone who tries to make him move away. Robert moves to coordinate cleanup, detention and debriefing. Eliza catches sight of a pawn in evidence and brings the briefcase over to them, giving instructions for cataloguing while they flips through the pages looking for the travel manifests.</p><p class="p1">Teddy prowls through the house still searching for Myfanwy. They find the hideous remains of the former Lugat boss just as they see her emerging from the house. Eliza moves into her path and wraps her tightly in their arms.</p><p class="p1">She pulls away far too soon and keeps going forward, so they intercept her with Robert, blocking her with their body. “Where’s Linda?” she asks, leaning to look around him.</p><p class="p1">“In the back, waiting for a medic,” they relay. Linda seemed just as desperate to see her as Myfanwy is tosee Linda. “She wanted to tell you something.”</p><p class="p1">It’s a little punch in the gut when she turns away without blinking. They watch her stride forward and feel like this might be the last time they see her. They have to tell her. Alex catches her arm, trying to keep their face open and earnest. “I know you wanted to leave,” they start. “And if you still do, I won’t be angry…” They shoved their hands into their pockets to keep them off her. They wouldn’t force themselves on her. Plus, they didn’t want too seem to invested in case she turned them down flat. It’s hard to look at her. “But I’ll miss you.”</p><p class="p1">She looks up at them for a moment before murmuring, “Thank you.”</p><p class="p1">It sounds like goodbye and they try to paste a smile on their face. They have to watch her walk away again. Robert, Eliza and Alex shiver and scatter to follow up on their usual tasks. Teddy watches her from the room in which Lorik was found, in which she killed him. They don’t know what to think of her using her power in such a way, but they can’t deny that it’s something of a relief that she did use it when she needed it.</p><p class="p1">Also a bit of a political nightmare. This is going to destabilize the Lugat and fuck knows what’s going to happen to the Checquy after they stomped all over the diplomatic immunity here. They hear a shout and send Eliza over to see.</p><p class="p1">A pawn had opened the back of an armored truck and a young man blinked at them from a cage. It’s barely large enough for him to extend his legs and he has to slouch to keep his head from touching the ceiling. His eyes are dull as he stares at them. They climb into the truck and the pawn tosses them a set of keys pulled from one of the unconscious guards. It takes a few tries to find the right one, but the lock clicks open soundlessly.</p><p class="p1">“Can you hear me? Understand me?” Eliza says softly, schooling their features into concern.</p><p class="p1">The boy doesn’t respond.</p><p class="p1">They try again. “My name is Eliza. Can you tell me yours? We’re not here to hurt you. We’re with the government. We want to help you.”</p><p class="p1">He blinks again slowly and turns his head to look at them.</p><p class="p1">“There we go,” they smile. “Would you like to get out of here?” They extend their hand, wait patiently until he places his trembling hand across their steady one. “Good,” they breathe. “Let’s get you out of here.”</p>
<hr/><p class="p1">Hours later they return to their apartment, exhausted beyond belief. There had been almost a dozen EVAs, stashed in cages in truck or in various rooms in the compound. All of them shared a similar glazed look that tugged at Gestalt’s heart. They’d had moments of their own like that and they’re glad those are few and far between these days.</p><p class="p1">They drop all pretense and move in synchronicity through the motions of stripping down, showering and tugging on their sleep clothes before collapsing into bed.</p><p class="p1">Sleep doesn’t come as quickly as they’d like. Instead, they stare at the ceiling and replay every moment of their time with Myfanwy in the last week. That mind-blowing night when they got to taste her, to bury themselves inside her again and again as she sought her pleasure. They hadn’t thought life could get better than that. She’d smiled softly after they’d come, cupped their face and pressed the sweetest kisses to their lips. Then she’d pulled up the straps of her dress and escaped to the loo to freshen up. They don’t think anyone suspected anything, but they hadn’t really been paying attention like they usually did.</p><p class="p1">She truly had touched the whole of them, making it feel like they had just one body as her hands roved over their skin. It had been torture. It had been ecstasy.</p><p class="p1">They couldn’t find her after they’d cleaned up as well, so they’d tried to suppress their disappointment as they drove home, chewing their thumbnails to the quick.</p><p class="p1">One call was all they allowed themselves per 12 hours. They did send a few texts, but they were mostly the kind that they would have sent anyway. Robert left the messages, knowing that they had been her preference of the four when they were younger and hadn’t gotten any other data to support otherwise.</p><p class="p1">By Sunday night, they were practically vibrating, bouncing wildly between worried and crushed and disgusted with themselves. Gestalt was a fucking adult and could handle a few hours (thirty-six and a half) without speaking to her.</p><p class="p1">And she’d been so withdrawn when they’d tried to talk with her, jittery and nervous, sending them into a panic that they’d ruined everything between them. That had been a champion conversation there as they scrambled to pretend like the foundations of their world hadn’t shifted completely and she’d agreed.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt was the best agent the Checquy had, versatile and ruthless, emotionlessly carrying out any mission whether it be seduction or assassination. One night with Myfanwy seemed to shoot it all to hell. They had been so wrapped up in thinking that she regretted what they’d done and didn’t know how to say no without pissing them off that they completely missed the signs until she’d confessed in their car. They could still feel her between them, thighs pressing to Robert and Eliza, holding Alex’s hand.</p><p class="p1">She must have been so goddamn afraid, before and after the memory erasure. It kills them that they weren’t able to help her, even though there really wasn’t a way for her to know who she could trust given the information she left for herself before it happened. What really bothered them was why she hadn’t trusted them.</p><p class="p1">God, she <em>had tried </em>to tell them a few weeks ago and they’d just brushed aside her concerns as Farrier told them to. They’d forgotten the entire exchange until they held her as she slept. How she’d tried to insist that something was going to happen to her and they’d just assumed it was another episode. No one had believed her and they all paid the price. They wish they could ask her what she’d been thinking, why she’d even suspect them of doing anything to harm her. What motive would they have to hurt her so?</p><p class="p1">Fuck. Why hadn’t they listened? And now, was she going to stay or go?</p><p class="p1">“Enough,” they say out loud and firmly tell themselves to go to sleep. Tomorrow isn’t going to be any better than today, probably worse as they deal with the fallout of ignoring diplomatic immunity. They can’t regret their actions, not when it had saved Myfanwy and Farrier from what would likely be a fate worse than death. And they begrudgingly admit that Myfanwy was right in insisting they save the others. Those people hadn’t deserved that fate either. They’re not pleased to admit how jaded they’ve become, how jaded they’d expected her to be.</p><p class="p1">Teddy gets up to turn on a guided meditation for sleep. Hopefully concentrating on those words instead of the ones that are flying around their heads will help them drop off. There’s nothing they can do right now but rest and recover. And wait.</p><p class="p1">Their dreams are fractured and intense, reaching out for someone falling and barely missing holding on, stumbling through smoke and flame, frantically kissing someone as the lights flickered ominously. They startle awake at their alarm, dripping with sweat and trembling as the dreams fade quickly. Breathing for a moment, they stare at the ceiling as their heart rates slow.</p><p class="p1">Sliding out of bed, they check their phones and only find updates from their team on the cleanup status. Nothing is particularly urgent, so they save reviewing them for after a sorely-needed shower.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt stands under the steaming water for much longer than necessary. The shower stall is much larger than most with several shower heads and even benches on opposite walls. There’s also a large jacuzzi-style tub just to the side. It’s the main reason they’d bought the place; one of the few small luxuries they’d allowed themselves.</p><p class="p1">The rest of their flat is nice enough, spacious and comfortable despite the spare decorations. They’re trained to survive anywhere, so it hadn’t been a huge concern of theirs to create a welcoming space until Myfanwy had come over the first time and tutted at them.</p><p class="p1">She’d bullied them into shopping for squishy couches and luxury towels and matching plates, all things that seemed superfluous to them until they’d seen her sink into the cushions and smile. “This is much better, don’t you think?” she’d sighed. “You should have nice things to come home to. This should be where you can relax and let go of your worries. Plus, you should use some of that hazard pay for something. And you don’t want whomever you bring home to be uncomfortable, right?”</p><p class="p1">It hadn’t escaped their notice that her voice cracked slightly in the middle. Did she really care if they brought someone home? Not that it was likely with all they had to do for work. Even if they’d felt like working out some energy, they’d go to a hotel or the other person’s (people’s?) place. She was right that this space should be for them, and her, in any capacity.</p><p class="p1">They get out of the shower and stare at themselves in the mirrors. They haven’t felt so off balance in a long time.</p><p class="p1">She feels the same to them. She sounds the same and walks the same and tucks her hair behind her ears the same. How much do memories make a person? She writes the same and sends them spinning the same. Are they really going to abandon her when she might need them most? Clearly not to be her shield as they’d grown used to. She doesn’t seem to need one now. But they were the closest thing she had to friends before; they like to think that they were true friends in addition to being coworkers and not just because they’d been at Glengrove together, bonding over shared trauma.</p><p class="p1">Is it cowardly to step back just because she can’t remember? Or is it giving her what she wants? They all groan. How can they possibly know what she’d have wanted <em>before</em> and what they should do now? They just want her in their lives, old, new, with history, without, whatever.</p><p class="p1">It doesn’t matter, Gestalt decides. They can get past their own problems if only she would let them in, let them learn who she is now. They’re still going to make Bristol disappear if any whisper or shadow of him creeps around. But they can’t hold it against her even though it makes rage boil beneath their skin, not when she was so lost, stumbling around to find the pieces of her life and trying to fit them together. Not knowing who or what was coming for her.</p><p class="p1">They check the clock. It’s still early enough for them to grab drinks from their favorite cafe before work. They hadn’t had much time to do the shopping in the past few days.</p><p class="p1">Gestalt slips on their shoes and shrugs on their coats, moving one by one to the door. They’re not looking forward to today, but they’ll manage. They always have. Robert opens the door and they stop short.</p><p class="p1">Myfanwy stands before them, her cheeks flushed and mouth open slightly in surprise, with her hand lifted to knock.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think I've finished plotting everything out. Two more to go and, fair warning, it's gonna get dirty in the last chapter :)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you think. I'd love to hear from you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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